Trashing real relationships for online clout will ruin your life

Don't do it.

Hi! Let’s take a break from large scale politics for a second (I hear it’s been an eventful few days? Well, anyway), and focus on how an individual’s politics online can gut their support network in real life.

If you don’t use TikTok, you probably don’t know the sad story of the influencer who calls themselves Azlan T. Bird, but if you’d like a brief summary, this video has you covered:

@clarksonlawsonPlease watch this until the end. I don’t take pleasure in this video but it needs to be said so others don’t live this way.

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If you can’t be bothered to watch, here’s the gist: Azlan T. Bird is a self-described disabled, trans, Muslim online personality who appears to currently have no job, no friends, and no family to turn to and recently posted an extremely sad and disturbing video about getting kicked out of their hotel after asking a maintenance man to wear an N95. The video description tells you everything you need to know:

Since the above video was published, Bird came out with another video, admonishing their critics for suggesting they have a problem and in one breath calling this country “the so-called United States” while in another criticizing the hotel for allegedly not following the laws of said “so-called” country (which one is it? Either the U.S. is not a real country and anything goes, or you can make a legal argument about how the ADA should or shouldn’t be enforced — you don’t get to do both).

Because Bird makes highly radical and angry content which seeks to punish and shame people they see as not living up to their extreme ideological standards — I believe they tried to ruin the business they used to work for — many people on social media are gloating about this ongoing situation.

I want to be clear, I feel for Azlan T. Bird. But I also feel for any overworked maintenance staff that has to deal with them. I feel for the mother they say is not picking up her phone. I feel for their former colleagues and those I assume to be now former friends.

There are many ways to live your truth. I’m not going to shame this person for transitioning, converting to Islam, and otherwise doing what they need to do. This is not what this essay is about.

But what I need to tell you is that this is a cautionary tale. It’s not good for anyone to be this angry and alone.

And based on the content the virulent content this person has produced, they put themselves into this situation. They. Did. This. To. Themselves.

The thing about online engagement is the illusory and fleeting sense of validation it can produce in people. As others have explained, Bird used to have a job, a home, and friends. Their angry political disagreements with others have wrecked all of that for the time being.

But in the online world, angry political disagreements got them online attention.

Online attention can feel so comforting, so affirming, in the moment. Even if it’s negative attention, it can feel good, “If I’m pissing people off, I struck a nerve! I’m on to something!”

But online attention isn’t going to show up at your door and dry your tears and help you pack your shit up when you’re getting kicked out because you asked a likely overworked and underpaid maintenance guy to wear an N95 mask that’s stifling and uncomfortable for him and then flipped out and barred your door when he disagreed.

Simply put, likes and views aren’t a substitute for a support network.

A good support network does not exist to only hype you up. No. These are the people who will also call you on your bullshit.

These are the people who will say, “Hey, maybe how you express your politics is affecting the stability of your environment and your bonds with others.” Or, “Hey, maybe your depression and anxiety are spiraling out of control and we need to have an intervention.” Or even, “Hey, maybe those hotel wageworkers are not the enemy and you can find some sort of middle ground.”

Now, I know what you’re going to say, “Oh but Natalia, likes and views are an entire economy now.”

Sure. Absolutely. You can get revenue from likes and views.

BUT — the most stable revenue is generated by social media personalities who have a craft and a plan. They’re not merely reacting to the world around them, they’re creating interesting recipes, or telling cool campfire stories, or making people laugh.

And while some people do succeed at turning a good profit from simply being a reactionary online, they are a) a minority and b) they’re an extremely unhinged and frequently vulnerable minority, usually cut off from those very same support networks I just talked about, and one misstep away from getting cancelled.

Money can’t buy you peace if your way of generating income is by upsetting people and trying to put them on the defensive.

And if you’re a person who is extremely focused on self-righteously displaying your victimhood in particular, guess what, people will give you what you want - they’ll victimize you.

The people who actually want to be there for you? They’ll find you exhausting. They’ll be forced to pull back for their own sakes.

The internet will also gloat when online reactionaries finally break down. Which is exactly what the internet has done in the case of Azlan T. Bird, and God dammit, it is brutal and sad.

Taking responsibility for yourself and re-gaining agency is a very tough process. I went through that after I left a disastrous marriage. I couldn’t be the victim anymore, I had to make my choices and accept their consequences.

Some of my choices during that transitional period in my life were extremely fucking poor. They were a joke. I suffered accordingly.

But the great thing about this process is that it made me feel more capable and resilient. Ultimately, I became happier. Not in the sense of “I’m a boss bitch who has it all figured out,” but in the sense that I feel more content and am able to do more with my life. It’s not something I will ever take for granted.

People like Azlan T. Bird might say, “Whatever, bitch. You were able to do these positive things with yourself because you’re a cis white woman, fuck you” — thus cutting themselves off from taking ANY steps to repair the damage that is evident in their existence.

You’re not hurting me when you point out my relative privilege lol. You’re hurting *yourself* by insisting that YOU don’t need to do any work or think critically and calmly about your situation, brush up on conflict resolution skills, re-build your network, and otherwise stop being a screaming vortex of self-destruction.

The truth is, one of the happiest couples I know involves a disabled trans man who’s been able to turn his hobbies into a full-fledged career, loves doting on his family, and is doted on in return. Does he get thousands of like? Nah, likes don’t matter to him. Is his life always easy? Absolutely not, but that doesn’t stop him from living it as he sees fit. In fact, he’s a goddamn role model to those of us who know him.

Again, I’m not saying all this because I want to pile on on a clearly disturbed individual who needs help.

What I am saying is that righteous online crusades shouldn’t be affecting your housing, your professional life, and your well-being.

Azlan T. Bird is just one extreme example out of many.