The "alpha male" and "nice guy" horseshoe theory
The "alpha female" and "nice girl" are also terrible
I hate writing about red flags. I agree with Jason Pargin — loneliness is an increasing problem in our society and I feel like I’m telling people to be more lonely when I point out the telltale signs of a manipulative dweeb or sketchy scammer on a dating app.
At the same time, I did survive a grim, David Cronenberg-style marriage. I’ve dated a couple of spectacular liars. And when I see people telegraphing “I will make your life hell” to potential girlfriends or boyfriends, I can’t keep my big mouth shut.
When it comes to dating terminology, most of you are familiar with the term “alpha.” These are supposedly commanding Jack Reacher types that inspire envy and/or spontaneous bra-tossing wherever they go. They are “badass,” “dominant,” “highly masculine,” and they “don’t take shit.” Self-described “alphas” are the laughingstock of any normal friend circle, but this doesn’t deter them. Although rarer, “alpha females” also exist, although they tend to call themselves “real women,” as in, “I hope you can handle a real woman.”
All of this is old news. BUT, did you realize that so-called “nice guys,” or “feminist allies,” as they more frequently describe themselves, are the horseshoe equivalent of “alpha males”?
The difference is in the packaging. For example, here’s a “nice guy” I recently saw on Facebook dating (slightly identifiable information has been redacted):
I’m not going to get into a political screed here, people are free to identify as whatever they want, but the way he presents his politics is important. This guy is trying very hard to come off as progressive and hence safe to be around. The word “ally” is very vague, but meant to convey that he is “one of the good guys.”
The thing is, people who jump out of their skin to tell you how “safe” and “progressive” they are are actually no different from people who insist, while foaming at the mouth, that they are “dominant” and “badass.” Both personality types cultivate a facade. By contrast, people who are safe to be around don’t feel the need to project a curated image — they just exist. They will use the dating app bio to tell you about their goals and hobbies. Maybe they’ll leave it blank, because dating apps can be depressing as hell and a lot of men in particular are convinced that nobody reads bios. Maybe they’ll use that dating app real estate to crack a joke or whatever.
Either way, men AND women you actually want to be around are mostly relaxed about themselves. It doesn’t mean they’re confident 24/7, they’re human beings, but they aren’t desperately worried about getting and maintaining your attention.
What unites “alphas” and chest-beating “feminist allies” is insecurity.
Insecurity breeds a desire to control and manipulate others. The “alpha” attempts to do that by claiming that he “doesn’t give a shit,” that it’s YOU who needs to impress HIM, and that he’ll drop you like a hot potato if he as much as suspects that you’re not good enough to bask in his dazzling, “masculine,” bodyspray-and-gunpowder-scented presence. Oh, you don’t want to sleep with him? Well, you’re just an ugly cunt who’s going to end up alone with her vibrator, not that he’s thinking about you in that way. Yeah, he thought that you were hideous from the start. He just reached out to laugh at you with his buddies. He’s laughing right now! His buddies are all out of the frame, laughing too.
The “feminist ally nice guy” type takes a more circuitous route. He wants you to be horrified by the mere idea of not giving him a chance — he’s so solicitous and kind, he read a belle hooks poem once and everything, so how could you think about swiping left! He’s “trying hard,” and wants that pussy… sorry, those bonus points on the grand scorecard of life. He’ll settle for a pity fuck if he gets you drunk enough. If he’s confident that he will get away with worse, he’ll do worse. These are the types who will become leeches, responding to any enforcement of your normal boundaries with insistence that they’re so “nice” to you, how could you!
Everything I say here is just as applicable to manipulative and controlling women.
The “real woman/alpha female badass ninja” type is going to be cutting and mean. The “nice girl who always finishes last” will attempt to invoke pity. Both are emotional (and sometimes financial) vampires. Both rely on a facade to get what they want out of you before you notice what the hell is going on. Both are perfectly capable of burning your house down.
This emotional horseshoe is not that different from the political horseshoe. In fact, I have a theory that people who are extreme in their emotional lives have a lot of overlap with people who are extreme in their politics. They make a lot of noise, which inevitably attracts attention, but they usually do that to fill a void.
It would be easy to say that all of these personality types should just “go get therapy.” Therapy, however, can be inaccessible and also, there are some bad therapists out there. I think people should be careful when approaching therapy, and should also remember that working with the best therapist is going to be challenging at first, and that this work can even make you feel worse before you start making real progress. Mental health is very important, but maintaining it is not a walk in the park, and I wish we weren’t so glib when we yell at the maladjusted to “get help” (I’m guilty of this, not going to lie).
The truth is, doing real work on yourself is meant to be boring and unglamorous.
And here’s another truth — good, stable, emotionally available people can appear boring and unglamorous at first glance.
That’s because they don’t feel the need to immediately dazzle you or otherwise provoke a strong reaction. Again, they just kind of exist, going through the ups and downs of life, posting memes and chopping tomatoes for salad and walking their dogs.
When I say this, I don’t mean that true love shouldn’t be exciting. If you’ve experienced true love, you know it’s exciting as fuck. What I am saying is that you, yes, you, deserve to feel safe around the person you love.
Safety can’t be found among clowns.
Waaay off topic: is "bra-tossing" an act of submission or rebellion?
Ages ago I might have said the first but now I'm not so sure.