How to troll Russian officials
A fun guide
Not all of us are as badass as the Ukrainian armed forces — yet all of us can still do our part against a murderous Russian autocrat and his cronies.
For years, Russian officials have used trolling to sow division and confusion abroad. It’s time to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Consider the success of NAFO — what started out is trolling is now helping fund drones for Ukraine via friends at Saint Javelin.
Not only that, but trolling evil is preferable to doomscrolling. It can and will make you feel better. And yes, you can do it in English. These people monitor their replies, on Twitter especially. It’s how their bureaucracy works, they are interested in engagement. But just in case, I will be providing Russian translations here too (not exact translations, because euphemisms and native phrasing are important).
Yes, a lot of this will be unpleasant. That’s because war is unpleasant as a rule.
1. Use superstitions
Russian officials pretend to be pious and religious — religious reactionaries form a big part of Putin’s support network — but in reality most are just superstitious.
Feel free to tell them things like:
“Hellfire is getting closer” [Ад близок]
“You are cursed. And you know it.” [Ребята, вы давно прокляты. И вы это отлично знаете]
“Congrats. Generations of Russians will pay for the evil you’ve unleashed. Your fake patriarch won’t save you” [Расплачиваться будете долго. Не отмоетесь. Никакие молитвы продажного Гундяева не спасут]
Variations are always welcome and encouraged. Make sure to impart a sense of doom. They feel it already. It’s why many are hysterical online.
2. Remind them of superior Americans and other Westerners
Sure, Russia has its own culture and scientific community. These exist in spite of and not because of the oppressive Russian government. And these oppressors absolutely hate when they are reminded of how much more successful their rivals abroad are.
It doesn’t matter if you like said rivals. What matters is that Russian officials hate them and are envious of them.
This is why you can say things like:
“Hey, can you please tell me why there’s never been or will be a Russian Elon Musk?” [Ой, а почему у России нет своего Илона Маска но зато до фига ученых сидит по тюрьмам?]
“You’re right, Russia is a global leader. Hollywood and iPhones have nothing on Besogon-TV and a fleet of Ladas with no airbags” [Куда уж нам до вас, с нашим Голливудом и айфонами, когда у вас Бесогон-ТВ и Лада без подушек безопасности]
“Silicon Valley is so very jealous of Skolkovo.” [У кого Силиконовая долина, у кого долина лаптевая]
3. Vague allegations of illegal deeds
Almost everyone in the Russian government is breaking some kind of law. In fact, the Russian system is designed that way for a reason — it’s easier to control people when they’re constantly one misstep away from being arrested.
Russian officials are aware of this. Mess with their minds accordingly:
“We’re all aware of your past. Think you’ll escape purges when Russia inevitably loses this war?” [Человеку с вашим прошлым пора рвать когти из России нах, а не чирикать о Русском мире - ведь придут же за вами, свои же]
“You think you can hide your dirty money for long or nah?” [Скажите, а ваши активы, ну, те самые, долго еще будут оставаться вашими?]
“You do a lot of talking for someone whose arrest in inevitable.” [Ох, смиряйтесь, учите классику шансона, готовьтесь к чифиру и параше, с вашей-то биографией.]
4. Use their homophobia against them
Russian officialdom is as homophobic as it is homoerotic. For proof, just check out Putin’s cozy vacation photos with the likes of Defense Minister Shoigu.
This is why you can hit them with:
“How does it feel knowing that a bunch of gay-friendly nations are supplying weapons that are wrecking your guys in Ukraine?” [А вам не грустно от того, что техника созданная в так-называемой Гейропе превращает ваших солдатиков в удобрение?]
“Hey, what’s up with your president and minister Shoigu? Trouble in paradise?” [А Путин с Шойгу расстались что ли? Трагический финал Горбатой Горы, вот это всё?]
Russians are also obsessed with “getting up off [their] knees,” a euphemism for restoring Russian imperial might since the fall of the USSR, and you should have fun with it. Just remember — don’t sink to their level and engage in homophobia yourself. The goal is to use their fears effectively.
5. Hammer home their losses
Even by the most conservative estimates, Russian losses in Ukraine have been staggering. The Soviet war in Afghanistan is nothing compared to this.
A reckoning is coming. Russian officials already feel it. Help them feel it more with:
“I heard soldiers’ mothers in Russia have long memories. Guess you’ll always be looking over your shoulder.” [Солдатские матери вас в итоге на молекулы порвут, и будут правы]
“Blessings of Saint Javelin upon you and all of your soldiers. Well, the ones who are still alive.” [Да благословит вас и ваших солдатиков — ну, из тех кто еще живы — Святая Джавелина]
6. Remind them of places they’ll never visit
Sanctions and travel bans mean that Russian officials are cut off from many of the places they love. You don’t need to overthink this — just post gorgeous pictures of London or Paris or New York, and taunt them accordingly. Their kids are already in their faces about this, I guarantee it.
Conclusion
Russian officials deserve this. They deserve much more than this, frankly, but considering that the full effect of sanctions and horrific losses on the battlefield hasn’t hit yet, demoralizing them online is a good thing.
Send this guide to your friends. Use it wisely.