HORRIFYING: Older women are dating younger guys

This terrible scandal is best explained by data.

As women have gained more financial independence in many parts of the world, the majority appears completely cool with dating a man who is younger.

Thankfully, men who are extremely online (and therefore not dating these women as they have important points to make on a social media platform owned by a rich ketamine addict) are on the case, and are calling this out for the catastrophe that it is:

At this point, you might be forgiven for being confused. After all, these are the same men who routinely argue that women who aren’t dating are doomed to a lonely life with cats (as an aside, I’m beginning to think that cats irritate dudes like this because they’re not easy to control).

Wouldn’t they be HAPPY that women are going out with dudes?

The obvious point is that misogyny is a game you can’t win. You can be the most beautiful woman alive, and misogynists will point out how your cuticles are ugly and you should therefore kill yourself, forget your actual life choices.

However, what interests me about this particular type of internet noise is that a lot of these men aren’t professional trolls. In fact, a lot of them seem kind of lonely, which would explain their vitriol.

I think they’re lonely because they fundamentally misunderstand women.

Being a magnanimous person that I am, I thought I would explain the phenomenon of women dating younger from the perspective of a woman who married older, but has frequently dated younger since her divorce.

First of all, let’s get one thing straight: the obsession with age gaps is stupid when it comes to both sexes.

I know what you’re going to say to me. “Natalia, you married an older man once upon a time, and it was an abject disaster.”

I hear you! In fact, it’s an important piece of the puzzle, because when I was in my twenties I literally did what misogynist online hecklers SAID women should do: Don’t waste your pretty years, settle down with a man you look up to, and start a family.

It didn’t exactly work out! I was controlled, abused, punished, assaulted, bankrupted, and otherwise destroyed. I escaped with my child and a single suitcase. And as much as my ex-husband regrets his behavior now, he can’t take any of it back.

Having said all that, I’m no longer bitter about what happened. I took my experience and used it to help others as much as I can.

As part of moving on from that debacle, I also recalled the older men who were my great champions when I was younger. They liked my attention - I was young, and lithe, and easily impressed. But I also liked their attention - I liked their stories, their ideas about art, their willingness to give me honest and genuinely helpful advice about my writing and so on. My youth and beauty also made me feel just a lil bit powerful around them (for some reason, it’s still gauche to admit this, but it’s true!).

And as trendy as it can be to rage on men for dating younger women, the rage is misplaced when nobody is hurting or abusing anyone else. Let’s say a man is in his 40s, his marriage didn’t work out, and he’d like to have more kids. Why shouldn’t he be interested in a younger woman who’s on the same page about children? Yes, plenty of women have kids in their 40s, but I’M JUST SAYING, it’s ok to go younger if your goals and aspirations are the same.

Having gotten all that out of the way brings me to an important point:

A lot of women in their 40s and upwards can have different goals as far as dating is concerned.

Data suggests that men derive more benefits from marriage than women, including health benefits and earning benefits.

A woman who’s been married once or twice already is not necessarily looking to tie the knot again.

This is especially true of older women who are worried that men their own age could use them for their resources.

Simply put, a woman who’s put in work on a marriage before, and found it to be NOT beneficial to herself is quite rational in not wanting to tie herself legally to a man again.

Younger men who are NOT yet looking to settle down are desirable to an experienced woman who is ALSO not looking to settle down.

It’s not just about male stamina, although let’s face it, women who are more sexually liberated in their 40s are likely to appreciate stamina.

It’s also about the fact that a woman who values her freedom and knows what she wants in bed can see a younger man as a safer and more exciting partner.

I remember a warm June weekend in DC. The fireflies were out, the rap music was cascading out of passing pimpmobiles. And I had a choice: 1) Go out with Brayden, not his real name, God bless him and his family for generations, who wanted to eat ice cream in the park, play Mario Kart, make me laugh until tears rolled down my face, and everything else I actually wanted to do that weekend or 2) Go out with a slightly older dude, let’s say his name was Cornelius, who had complained to me about his ex-wife all day and more than hinted at the fact that he would love it if I could watch his children when they were in town.

I love children. I love being a mom. But you can see why I went with Brayden. He offered fun, and freedom, and zero obligations.

There is a generational aspect to this too. Brayden was raised in an environment where his mom and dad held him to some standards when it came to girls. I always felt respected around Brayden. I sadly can’t say the same for Cornelius, who was raised to assume that a woman is first and foremost a resource and a helpmeet, even a woman he is just casually dating.

I wouldn’t judge a man making a similar choice in a similar situation. So why should I be judged?

Not to harp on about it too much, but data shows that the loneliness epidemic is affecting men more. Loneliness leads to bad outcomes. Understanding the motivations of women when it comes to dating COULD help these men alter their behaviors. Maybe that’s a pipe dream, but I don’t share social media’s delight in the isolation and unhappiness of men. I think it’s bad for society and bad for all of us.

I want to tell these men: Learn from Brayden. Learn from him regardless of what age you are. You can be fun, you can be polite, you can care about what a woman wants or needs in a particular moment. It doesn’t mean being a doormat - Brayden was extremely masculine, worked out, had his hobbies, prioritized time with the boys, and was the kind of man who could raise an eyebrow at a belligerent dude in a bar and have the dude simmer down immediately - it just means being kind.

Kind men are powerful, but don’t abuse their power. It’s what makes them attractive.

“But what about love?”

I’ll be the first to say it: Love cannot be measured via data, and love cannot be contained. Love, like Tom Bombadil, just is.

And because I so strongly believe in love I also believe that love is not defined by time. You can love someone and spend a few months with them, honestly. It’s what happened with Brayden. I loved him so much that was incredibly happy for him when he got out of DC, a place he didn’t like. I’ve heard from him over the last few years, and I’m glad that he is living his dreams, and it makes me smile a little whenever I think of him.

Love courses through us all, if we let it. Love isn’t defined by a lifetime spent together - the greatest love stories throughout human history were frequently short-lived.

I think it’s great when love results in two people settling down together and supporting each other as a lifelong commitment. I would personally adore that! But that’s not what always happens, and considering the data on the male loneliness epidemic, as cited above, it would seem that women are less willing to settle for a relationship that doesn’t satisfy them simply for the sake of checking that particular box.

For all the talk of women being “more romantic,” it’s men who crave a romantic relationship more.

It makes perfect sense, as we’ve already seen, a romantic relationship benefits a man more than a woman. Men also appear to struggle more with singlehood than women, as per the data cited.

Women open up to other people more easily, and more easily find friends. We’re less threatening, it’s easy for us to meet new people, hot younger dudes included. Men, who are discouraged from being vulnerable from an early age, proceed to STRUGGLE with forming meaningful attachments without a romantic partner. And no matter how many balding “alphas” scream that men should be “lone wolves who go their own way,” the truth is that almost all human beings need attachments in their lives.

It’s no wonder why so many real, actual men, not bots or trolls, are taking to the internet to yell at 40+ women dating younger guys. It represents a loss of control. These women are messing with the hierarchy, AND they’re refusing to be lonely, AND they have standards as far as how a man should look and perform, AND demonstrating that they are not willing to settle. Those fetid bitches. How dare they.

I’m pointing all of this out because I believe that men who understand what is happening can alter their thoughts, and alter their behaviors, leading to better outcomes. I don’t think that men should cater to women in all areas of life, that would be silly, but men can start meeting women in the middle.

Look at this dude:

Our friend here appears to have no idea that in spite of her breakup with Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore isn’t going to settle for him or for any other dude, if she doesn’t want to. No woman is - unless she is deeply emotionally unstable and troubled, which won’t make for a functional relationship anyway.

Women aren’t living in a Victorian era fantasy, being dumped doesn’t destroy them.

The hags he hates so much, whose imagined suffering makes him feel better about whatever situation he is in, will be busy getting drunk on cruises and hiking with their fellow hag friends.

Also, sex will still be available to them. Sex is available to almost any woman. It’s one of the few privileges of navigating the world as female.

Single men can choose to work with this reality. The first step is to detangle from online ecosystems who monetize clicks and views via keeping these men lonely and angry. They can focus more on hobbies that allow them to meet real women, as opposed to dating app scammers, as well as allow them to better their mood and give them an important outlet.

If they manage to control their insecurities (we all have our insecurities, the trick is not letting them run our lives), if don’t rant at these women about how they’ll be OMG LONELY HAGS IF THEY DON’T SETTLE DOWN IMMEDIATELY, they’ll have more luck in not pushing them away.

There is always going to be a percentage of people for whom relationships simply don’t work, but it can be a low one, lower than what we have today.

Understanding what motivates older women to go for younger guys in turn can help us understand what motivates stable, goal-oriented women in general (and believe me, nobody should look for a partner who’s unstable, “never stick your dick in crazy” is a golden rule for a good reason and anyone who fetishizes emotional instability will end up in a sketchy situation at best).

People can get mad about this all they want, or they can start getting real.

As always, I thank you for reading. Send this essay to someone who can use it.