Iām writing this on a sunny porch in Charlotte as a pair of cardinals hop up and down on the railing, glancing haughtily in my direction (they want snacks).
Yesterday, we buried my beloved uncle Tarras following a heartfelt and beautiful church ceremony. I am lucky to have two hometowns, Kyiv and Charlotte, and there are times when it feels like having your heart cloven down the middle, but most of the time, it feels right.
Many old friends turned out for the service and burial here, and questions have been asked about my life in the years since Iāve moved away. The truth is, Iām the same dorky, sentimental person who used to drive up and down these leafy streets blasting the Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack. The other truth is that Iām always loath to give away certain personal information, knowing the ways in which it can be used against me (I had a hard time just linking to my uncleās obituary in the previous paragraph ā and thereās nothing earth-shattering in it).
Tarras was a clinical psychologist who advocated for emotional honesty. In trying to be emotionally honest in the wake of his death, Iāve decided to go back to the basics, and to start with the Proust Questionnaire.
When I was a kid, I often read celebritiesā answers to the basic Proust Questionnaire as published by Vanity Fair and enjoyed them much more than the āwhy are you so handsome?ā softball features the magazine did on celebrities promoting new movies.
We tend to think of interviews as having two genres: ass-kissing or verbal combat. The Proust Questionnaire is divorced from this false dichotomy.
But what I like most about it is that if you sit down to answer it every few years, it can give you a new understanding of what matters to you.
I would be thrilled if you did it with me and left your answers below!
Proust Questionnaire: Natalia Edition
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Writing in the morning, outside, as the people I love go about their lives around me, the words flow easily, and the sun shines down. So, this moment.
What is your greatest fear?
Lack of freedom.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My fear. Especially when it prevents me from working in genres that I love more than anything. Or when it prevents me from telling people how much they mean to me.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Disloyalty. (You can see how this corresponds with the trait I most deplore in myself)
Which living person do you most admire?
Right now I have to go with my friend Herring, one of the stars of this Luke Mogelson article. Herring has been fighting Russians nonstop for two years. And I mean really fighting, not taking selfies in pristine gear miles from the front. If you ever want to help him out with equipment, you can send me a PayPal donation at nvantonova@gmail [dot] com. Just mark it with āfor Herring,ā it will go straight to him. He trusts me and I trust him.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Peace of mind. People think itās unquantifiable, but the truth is, it can be very expensive.
What is your current state of mind?
Wistful and grateful and curious about what comes next (I have a general idea, but the specifics are thrilling to consider).
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Wealth. Donāt get me wrong, I love money. But I donāt think it makes anyone inherently virtuous.
On what occasion do you lie?
I have been known to be creative with the truth around dangerously insecure men.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My cortisol tummy. Itās gotten much better in the last year or so, as I fully committed to intermittent fasting and minimizing stress (as much as I am able to while Russia bombs my native country and targets my adopted motherland with cynical propaganda), but I still HATE it.
Which living person do you most despise?
The obvious answer is Vladimir Putin. But there are also more rational people in his circle, who enable his genocidal madness. One of those people is Elvira Nabiullina.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Courage.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Courage.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
āMercury is in Gatorade.ā āLove it.ā āKiss my ass.ā āOh my gosh.ā
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
When it comes to love in general, itās my son. When it comes to romantic love, I donāt think Iāve met that person yet. Maybe I wonāt! Iāve had a couple of grand, grand love affairs, and I obviously adored my ex-husband until he killed that marriage with his behavior (which he deeply regrets, but when heās sober he knows thereās no going back), and my life has been thrilling in that regard, so Iām not complaining either way.
When and where were you happiest?
I donāt think happy moments are static. One can outshine another depending on whatās going on in your life. But when asked this question now, Iām thinking of our recent trip to Florida, sitting on the Prince Charming Regal Carrousel after dark, laughing with my son, both of us back to being excited five-year-olds.
Which talent would you most like to have?
The kind of talent that makes you good with a wrench and a power drill.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Iām pretty happy with myself, but I would love to get rid of a manageable but annoying blood condition that sometimes makes me feel weak and faint. I would get more done that way.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I think my track record as a mom is pretty solid, but canāt ultimately be known until my life is done. I also think Iāve written some bangers and overcome a fair bit of difficulties.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
I would like to be a mountain in the Rockies. I think it would suit me. I would commune with the stars and sun and let the memories of people and animals seep into me like rain into the ground.
Where would you most like to live?
Uh, near the Rockies. Something tells me itās doable š
What is your most treasured possession?
A tarot necklace featuring my favorite card, The Lovers. Also, my fatherās old flask. And my Glock 19.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being a traitor and quisling.
What is your favorite occupation?
Writing, for me. And I like and respect soldiers in combat roles, having been raised by them, and observed which parts of themselves are forever given away.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Making fun of horrible situations at inappropriate times.
What do you most value in your friends?
Their ability to show up.
Who are your favorite writers?
Kate Atkinson. Serhiy Zhadan. Natalya Vorozhbyt (lucky to count her as a friend). Stephen King. Neil Gaiman. William Shakespeare. Mary Gaitskill. Lev Grossman. Zora Neale Hurston. Donna Tartt.
Who is your hero of fiction?
Isobel Fairfax from Human Croquet. I also have a thing for Shadow from American Gods.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
AgnĆØs Sorel.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Besides Herring? I have to go with Kyrylo Budanov. And a number of people like him. I also think all of the ācringe normiesā holding society together are fucking heroes as well.
What are your favorite names?
Lev. William. Freya. Volodymyr. Angelina.
What is it that you most dislike?
Being distracted when Iām trying to finish a good sentence.
What is your greatest regret?
I donāt regret the child or the art we made together. But I shouldnāt have said yes to that man otherwise. I look at it through a complicated lens, but when I see myself accepting his proposal, I shake my head and feel sympathy.
How would you like to die?
I want to go to sleep in a field of wildflowers with fireflies winking overhead and wake up elsewhere.
What is your motto?
āYou canāt hide from Natty Natā is one that my colleagues made up. āAs president of Concerned MILFs for America, Iā¦ā is the one I probably prefer ahahaha.
Donāt forget to send me your answers in the comments!