The unbearable lightness of being single
It can really suck! But it can also be so goddamn useful
This will sound counterintuitive from someone who launched a project called Safer Dating Now (inquiries can always be made through the website! Hoping to add more public classes when I am not weeping softly under a giant pile of work!), but I want to talk to you guys about singledom.
On paper, being single past a certain age completely sucks. And as for being a single parent like me? The financial strain will make you want to tear your hair out (but hair salons are also expensive, you see the trap I find myself in).
Not only that, but we are in a loneliness epidemic in the United States, so much so that the federal government is taking notice.
I’ve seen the viral videos of women who have trouble dating. I notice the amount of frustration men express about dating too, both on TikTok, where the audience skews younger, and on Twitter, which is full of us exhausted millennials.
As we make ephemeral connections through our phones and get trapped in the cycle of endless swiping on people who promise they love dogs and tacos and hate drama, we are getting more and more isolated. This is ungood.
But whenever I host a seminar on dating safely, I now begin with the following statement: “Your safety and happiness will often depend on how comfortable you are with being single.”
There’s an obvious reason for this: Desperation skews our judgment. Desperation leads people toward online scammers and predators. While I’ve always traditionally told people to not get on dating apps after they’ve been drinking - treat it like riding a skateboard, I tell them, you want to be aware of what’s going on - I’ve also started to explain how feelings of desperation can be another form of impairment.
But there is ANOTHER, not-so-obvious reason as to why I give this advice: Before you meet someone who understands you, you must first begin understanding yourself.
Relationships create a shared matrix, a shared nerve center. I know this very well, I went from being a very obedient child and young woman to constantly having a boyfriend or a husband by my side. Singledom scared me, because I wanted to be a good girl, and a good girl must always be attached, otherwise how else can she display her value and gain approval?
And while I had some great relationships, I’ve also had some hair-raisingly bad ones. The first guy I dated after escaping a marriage reminiscent of one of those chaotic Hieronymus Bosch paintings with monsters and people playing butt music was not good for me at all. And when he dumped me because I was no longer useful to him, I had to stop and think: Was I repeating a pattern? Hell yeah I was.
Since then I’ve dated people, but not too seriously. One guy was a liar, though helpful to me personally and professionally, and the rest have been perfectly alright, they just weren’t it. In the meantime, I was making decisions on my own. I learned to take responsibility for myself. Most importantly, I learned about ME.
The person I turned out to be was surprisingly capable. She did things I didn’t think I’d be able to do — whether it was free falling off a mountain for fun or getting over her PTSD to get behind the wheel again. I learned from everyone I met, whether it was fundraising tactics or investment tactics or shooting tactics. I learned to manage my moods independently of other people. I learned what it was like to not constantly seek approval. I sang in restaurants and rode rollercoasters and made difficult decisions and survived minor and major debacles. I buried my beloved father and threw him a banger of a funeral. I raised money for drone jammers and played geolocation games. I rode on the back of motorbikes and analyzed crime and kidnapping footage. I did what I loved and feared. In other words, I fucking lived.
My ups and downs became truly mine. Pedal to the metal, no one but me behind this wheel. I became my own person. And I realized I rather like this person.
I’m not telling you all this because I want you to follow the blueprint of my strange, improbable little life. Not everyone should find themselves in their later years. What I’m saying, instead, is that everyone should find themselves. If you don’t, life has a way of saying, “Fuck you, we’re doing this the hard way.”
I meet so many people who are scared of being alone. And that is normal! Being alone can be fucking scary, whether you’re filling out insurance claim forms or trying to avoid a dude who smells like a hamster cage and is trying to get grabby at the bar. But navigating difficult moments by yourself fills you with a calm and grateful feeling in your chest afterwards. Growth hurts at first. But then you reap it like a golden harvest.
You also end up learning that you are, in fact, never alone. I believe in the biocentric theory of the universe, in which we are ultimately all connected. Nothing is a random accident. The world is deeper and more mysterious than what our eyes can see of it - physicists know this. I think our hearts know it too, though it’s easy to forget.
And hey, if that’s a little too deep for you - sorry not sorry. Depth is required to keep us balanced. I started this newsletter because I wanted to be helpful, and to transcend the bullshit as much as I am able, and I want to make it everyone’s problem.
I always tell people that singledom is hard, but being with the wrong person is harder. I speak from ample experience, I once had my then husband snatch the wheel from me and crash us into a damn fence because I wanted to leave a party early. No, I don’t think we should constantly be running around tallying red flags and psychoanalyzing potential dates and focusing on the negative parts of being around other humans, but it’s OK to not be desperate, and it’s OK to take time to yourself.
By “taking time to yourself” I don’t mean lying in bed surrounded by Dorito dust and ennui. Go out into the world and meet people. Strike up a conversation in a bar. Take a silly little painting class. Get to know the dudes on the range. Put on some lace-up boots and dance a jig at renaissance fair while waving a comically large tankard around (should any video emerge of me doing this I preemptively deny any knowledge or responsibility).
Life is short and it’s there to be lived whenever possible, as opposed to endured. Suffering comes one way or another, and it usually comes at your sideways. So if you need a sign to do right by yourself - let it be this, let it be now.